Having a miscarriage at 5 weeks was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced. It was absolutely crushing and devastating and heartbreaking and every other horrid adjective you can think of. We had made plans for that little baby as young as he or she was. We had been hoping for him or her for so long! I cannot even imagine what it would have been like to lose our pregnancy at 8 or 20 or 40 weeks instead of 5. My heart aches for my friends who have experienced pregnancy loss at any stage. It is truly horrific and life altering.
After that appointment where we learned that the pregnancy I thought I was experiencing was already over, I immediately left for San Diego to attend a professional conference. The trip had been planned for months and I needed continuing education hours. Chris and I talked about canceling but it would have cost us hundreds of dollars and then I still would have needed to pursue the continuing education credits before my license renewal in September. So, I went. Thinking back, it’s almost like I was having an out-of-body experience. I basically just shut myself down to get through it. Thankfully, I went with a great group of girls who were incredibly supportive and understanding and never flinched when I made sad or snide or uncomfortable little comments. Thank you ladies! You made it bearable.
After I got back, one of the hardest things to deal with was telling friends and family. They hurt almost as much as we did and that hurt us even more. There were a lot of tears and there was a lot of hurting. And, the tears and the hurting wasn’t just ours. It was too much to bear. We felt like we had somehow let everyone down. As if we should have or could have done something differently.
So, when we decided to immediately begin another IVF cycle, we told no one. We didn’t have the energy or the courage to voice it. And, when I took the first positive pregnancy test (because God told me to – more on that later), we said nothing. And, when the beta numbers came back astronomically high, we tried not to hope. But, when I started puking every day, I knew that this pregnancy was, at the very least, different than before. And, when we saw the first ultrasound (and the several more that followed), we hoped.
So, loyal uterus followers, here is the latest: My uterus has two healthy little residents.
We are 10 weeks pregnant with twins and I puke every day – hallelujah!
God heard my prayers and the prayers of my friends and family and he answered with a “yes!” Praise God from whom all blessings flow!