This has not ceased to be a source of frustration and confusion for me.   Why don’t they just talk to one another? Why doesn’t one of them just swallow their pride?  Why can’t they be friends/lovers/family?  I don’t think I’ve ever fully understood… until today.

As a child, I grew up with a large, extended family.  Tons of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who were always at every holiday or special event.  I have so many fond memories of times spent with my cousins.  I was especially close to my cousin with the same first name who is a mere 3 months younger than me.

I cry as I write, because my family is broken now and only a shadow of what it once was.  No more large family functions, but instead small, intimate get-togethers with grandparents who struggle to hide the pain behind their eyes as they remember what used to be.

How did this happen? From my child’s perspective it was incomprehensible and now, unfortunately, I still can’t understand it fully.  When the division first formed, I was angry and sad.  Why couldn’t I talk to or see my cousins anymore? As the years passed, the sadness and anger left me and I was only indignant for my dad and grandparent’s sake.  My dad because he had lost his brother and sisters and my grandparent’s because they had lost all but one of their children…

Now, I am not even indignant anymore.  All that’s left is a feeling of hopelessness.

Through facebook and myspace (and mutual friends), I stumbled across my cousin with the same name a few years ago.  We messaged a few times and even went to coffee.  It was good. It was not enough.  It didn’t repair what was broken.

And now, here I am, and I don’t know what to do.  I’ve never been in a situation like this where I couldn’t speak openly with the person, or persons, and fix what was broken about the relationship.  Now, I get it.  Words are not always enough.  Sometimes even good intentions and a desire from both or all individuals is not enough.

We are so fallible as humans and we can screw things up so badly that there is no possible way that we can fix what we have broken. Only God can.  Only God can mend impossibly broken relationships.  Only God can heal entire families.  I want reconciliation so badly, but it can’t happen without God.  I can’t fix anything on my own.  Only God can.

2. I majored in math. Most people know that. What they don’t know is that I am in constant fear that people will realize how much math I DON’T remember. I get nervous when doing simple addition/subtraction in my head in the presence of others. All eyes turn to me, “the math major,” and I usually fold under the pressure.

3. My mom used to put lace (2 inches worth at least) around the tops of all of my white tube socks. It was girly and fun and adults thought it was really cute. Eventually,despite fearing that it would hurt her, but knowing what I had to do for my future and in the hopes of having a friend someday, I asked her to stop. She finally did. I was 13.

4. I hate to be alone. HATE IT. Growing up in a house full of 9 people did that to me. When I am alone at home now, I have to leave the TV on (whether I’m in the room or not) just so I can hear the voices and feel un-alone.

5. I am an extremely light sleeper. Chris sometimes wakes me up when he’s having a bad dream. Not because he’s yelling or even talking, but because I can hear that his breathing has changed.

6. I’ve always wanted to have a dog. My parents never allowed it because there was always a new baby in the house and my Dad would say “A dog would eat the baby! Besides you don’t need a dog, you have a” – insert newest babies name here. Finally, one year there was a break in the babies. My parents made some vague statement about “maybe this summer, we’ll get a dog.” Later, when my mom announced that she was pregnant with my twin sisters, I started to cry. I wish I could say they were tears of joy… Sorry Jane and Kate, but I really wanted a dog.

7. I can tell when my period is coming because TV commercials begin to touch my heart. Tears stream down my face and I am so thankful that the happy family on the screen has found an insurance company that is “like a good neighbor.” I would probably need an IV to replenish my fluids if I dared watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition during this time.

8. I have ornithophobia which is defined as an abnormal and persistent fear of birds. I hate crows the most. I feel as if they are watching me and following me. Geese, seagulls, and flamingos also rank high on my hate/fear list. I blame all of this on an attack by a flock of seagulls as a child. They stole the banana that I was holding. I also blame my father for letting me watch Alfred Hitchcock’s movie Birds much too young. I didn’t have the cognitive processing skills to realize that birds cannot peck through wood doors or fly through glass.

9. I hate bananas. I will sometimes forget how much I hate them and try to eat one for its healthiness factor. Chewing my first bite, I will suddenly remember, and gag all the way to the garbage can. (The banana mentioned in #8 was for my brother.  I wasn’t eating it.)

10. After my marathon I suffered from Post-Marathon-Runner’s-Syndrome. It was 75 degrees outside yet my lips turned blue and my teeth chattered. Unfortunately, another symptom is confusion and I did not realize that chattering teeth in 75 degree weather wasn’t OK. Thankfully, there were sane people in my vicinity. I was cured by a foil blanket, potato chips and Gatorade.

11. Cheese is my favorite food. No contest. I can remember sneaking into the kitchen to take the huge block of cheddar from the fridge and steal a few bites. I don’t know why I snuck in there. My mom was capable of recognizing a child’s teeth marks in blocks of cheese.

12. My minor was in Economics. Please allow me to enlighten you with my expertise in this subject. The economy is bad right now. Just FYI.

13. I changed my first diaper at the age of 4. I wasn’t big enough to carry my brother at that time, but I could drag him across the floor by the arm when I needed to control him. That probably happened more often than was necessary as my four year old judgment can’t have been that great.

14. I have had two black eyes in my life. Both were “accidentally” inflicted by the same brother. It was probably payback for dragging him across the floor so much.

15. I sometimes pee in the shower. Let’s be honest people, you’ve all done it too. (Kate, I didn’t want you to be alone on this one. Will that make Phil feel better?)

16. I cannot recognize faces of people that I don’t spend much time with. It is like there is a short-circuit in my brain. When I meet someone for the first time I have to note their hair style, odd nose, or tiny ears to have any hope of remembering their name again.

17. My bucket list (things to do before I kick the bucket) includes winning trivia night at a bar. I have never been to a trivia night at a bar, but I have high hopes for the future.

18. My favorite drink is the Irish car bomb. Fill a glass with Guinness and drop a shot (glass and all) of Bailey’s in. Drink quick because the Bailey’s curdles in a matter of seconds.

19. I went to Disneyland for the first time on my honeymoon. Best honeymoon I’ve ever had. No joke.

20. I read a lot. I was also homeschooled. These things combined often cause people to be pronunciationally challenged. I am often made fun of because I phonetically pronounce words that I understand but have never heard spoken. An above-average vocabulary does not impress people if you can’t properly pronounce the words.

21. Chris, my husband, has had two girlfriends in his life. Me: Ann Jacobsen (my maiden name, if you’ll remember) AND the week-long romance he had in high school before he met me: Anna Jacobsen.

22. The first shot I ever took was straight up vodka. I didn’t know that there was a better way or that people usually chase. Now, because of this, I have mad shot taking skills (although I rarely use them, what a waste). I plan to recommend this method of learning to my children. It will serve them well.

23. Two years from today, I plan to be publishing my first research paper. All I have to do is figure out what I’m going to research.

24. I don’t have one favorite drink at Starbucks. I cycle through 3 favorites with little variation: double tall, extra hot, vanilla lattes; double tall, extra hot, caramel machiattos; and a seasonal favorite (i.e. pumpkin spice lattes, gingerbread lattes, and peppermint, half-white, half-dark mochas).

25. God loves me. I love him. I would be in big trouble if he wasn’t directing my paths.

run consistently.  I enjoy running too much and it makes me feel too good for me not to do it regularly.  I’m even going to define consistently as 3-5 times per week.  Even with my busy class schedule in spring semester, I can run in between classes 3 times per week.

run the inaugural Seattle Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon on June 27th.  This one is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll elaborate a little bit anyway.  I ran the San Diego Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon on June 1st, 2008.  It was awesome and if my experience is anywhere near as incredible next June in Seattle, it will be worth it.

begin regularly attending one church here in Seattle.  Finding a church is very daunting to Chris and I.  We need to resign ourselves to the process and just do it.  We can’t be a Christian island.  We’ve tried and it doesn’t work.

join a weekly bible study.  Same idea as the church one.  Chris and I need more regular fellowship with other believers.  The church is a start and hopefully from there we will find a small group/bible study that will work for us (together or separately).

eat more healthfully.  I don’t know exactly what this is going to look like for us or I would be more specific.  Chris and I are going to try cutting out gluten for a month as I suspect that one or both of us has a wheat allergy.  Whether or not that is the case, I would also like to try eating only organic and whole foods, but this may have to be a gradual change.  I have switched us to only organic, grass fed meat and dairy.  I am very strict about the meat, but Chris still complains about the high cost of organic cheese and so I sometimes give in and buy Tillamook (at least they don’t pump their cow full of hormones, just antibiotics, ugh)  Check out www.westonaprice.org for some of the info on nutrition that I have been reading.  Maybe sometime I will write a post that chronicles some of my exploration of nutrition and its importance to our health.  Anyway, I digress.

make 3-5 homecooked meals per week (hopefully with lots of leftovers for lunches!).  Chris and I have found that our bodies do not respond well to frozen pizza, canned soup, and restaurant food.  We will feel much better, eat more healthfully (that sounds familiar), and save money if we make a commitment to homecooked meals.

pray with my husband every night before bed.  We started doing this last year and it has been so impactful and uplifting.  It is such a small committment that makes such a positive difference in our lives and on our relationship.

drink at least 64 oz. of water each day. Period.

wear less makeup.  I hate makeup, especially foundation, with a loathsome, passionate hate.  I have dreamed of being that girl who puts on chapstick and mascara and walks out the door.  Unfortunately, I have mild-moderate acne and makeup feels like a necessary evil.  This year my goal is to finally achieve clear (or at least somewhat clear) skin and free myself from the prison that is makeup.

visit a new place in Seattle with my husband at least once per month.  Chris and I moved to Seattle in June of last year and we are still shamefully clueless about how to get around up here.  Who knows how long we will live here.  Only God I guess.  It could be for a couple more years or it could be for the rest of our lives and either way I want to embrace it and enjoy it.

try yoga. I have poor posture, a side effect from being a student all of my life.  Yoga can help with that.  Can’t hurt to try.  Plus I got a yoga mat for Christmas.  Thanks mom!

write down my thoughts.  My vision is that this blog will help me with that.  I have never journaled, but have long known that I probably should.  God has worked in my life in amazing ways and I feel like I should write down what he has done.  I don’t consider myself a writer (c’mon my undergrad degree was math), but I really enjoy looking back at the few things that I have written down and remembering thoughts, feelings and experiences from my past.

a christian

a wife, sister, daughter, and friend

23

a grad student

working toward a master’s in occupational therapy

perceptive

analytical

funny

a marathoner

a true “washingtonian”

now a “seattleite”

me

These days, I dream of completing another marathon with Team in Training but am reluctant because of the financial risk that it puts on my husband and I.  I am in grad school now and unemployed. Money is tight.  It would not be responsible of me to pledge to raise thousands of dollars and promise to pay myself if I am unable.  Someday again, but not now.

Leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma are cancers that originate in the bone marrow or lymphatic tissue as the result of an acquired genetic injury to the DNA of a single cell.  The cell then becomes malignant and multiplies continuously.  This abnormal accumulation interferes with the production of healthy blood cells.  An estimated 823,349 Americans are living with blood cancers.  Every 5 minutes someone new is diagnosed with a blood cancer.  Every 10 minutes someone dies.
LEUKEMIA
- In the United States, 218,659 people are living with or in remission from leukemia.
- Leukemia causes more deaths than any other cancer among children and young adults under the age of 20.
- The relative five-year survival rate for patients with leukemia has more than tripled in the past 46 years. 
LYMPHOMA
- There are 544,266 people today living with lymphoma: 138,313 have or are in remission from Hodgkin lymphoma;  405,953 have or are in remission from Non-Hodgkin lymphoma (NHL).
- Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma is the fifth most common cancer in the United States, and its age-adjusted incidence rose by nearly 84 percent from 1975 - 2004.
- The five-year survival rate for patients with Hodgkin lymphoma rose from 73 percent in 1975 to 86 percent in 2004.
- The five-year survival rate for NHL patients rose from 48 percent in 1975 to 64 percent in 2003.
MYELOMA
- In 2007, 19,900 new case of myeloma will be diagnosed in the United States. 
- Overall five-year survival has shown significant improvement since the 1960s, but was still only 34 percent in 2003. 

THE LEUKEMIA & LYMPHOMA SOCIETY
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is the world’s largest voluntary health organization dedicated to funding blood cancer research and providing education and patient services.  Founded in 1949, we are relentless in pursuit of our mission:

Cure Leukemia, Lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease and Myeloma, and improve the quality of life of patients and their families.

The Society has invested more than $550 million in research since its inception in 1949, $61.6 million in fiscal year 2006 alone.  Research funded by the Society has led or contributed to advances such as chemotherapy, bone marrow and stem cell transplantation, and new, targeted therapies that kill cancer cells without harming normal ones. 

The Society also provides education for patients, families, and medical professionals; support groups for patients, families, and friends; and patient financial aid to help cover qualifying expenses, like prescription co-pays and transportation to treatment.

Thank you so much to all of my friends and family who have already donated.  I don’t think that you can really even fully grasp the difference that your money has and will make. 

And that’s the story of how I became a believer in GU.

 My next goal is to complete my fundraising by May 19th.  That means I need to raise $2,979 in exactly two months. 

 Here goes nothin’…

Leukemia is a malignancy of the blood-forming tissues – bone marrow, lymph nodes and spleen. It appears as uncontrolled multiplication of abnormal blood cells. When leukemia strikes, millions of abnormal and useless white blood cells accumulate in the tissues, preventing the production of normal cells. It is estimated that leukemia and its related cancers will strike over 100,000 Americans this year. Every week 1,155 Americans will lose their lives to this disease. Leukemia is the number one killing disease of children, yet affects 10 times as many adults. The cause of leukemia remains unknown. However, the effectiveness of recently developed treatment methods and steady advances in research bring us closer every day to finding the cause of leukemia and related cancers and probable cures.

I am running this marathon in honor of a little boy named Cole, who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia at the age of 3 ½. He is almost 6 years old now and has finished the first of three intensive treatments.  He lives with his parents and two sisters in Tacoma and he loves playing baseball and Playstation with his dad.  He begins pre-school this fall.      

As a member of Team In Training, I have a coach, a mentor, a training program and over 150 teammates to support me. I have committed to train 5 days a week with team trainings on the weekends, and I’ve promised to raise $4,000 in donations to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  Even as I write, I am a little sore from my training run this morning, but I know that I can do this and I cannot tell you in words how excited I am!

I hope you agree with me about the importance of this cause. Please help support me by giving generously. Seventy-five percent of all funds go directly to research, and your contribution is tax deductible (Tax ID # 13-5644916). Contributing money is a powerful way to be involved when you can’t give your time and every little bit helps.  If your company matches charitable contributions, please include matching forms with your donation. 

Please come back to AnnGuthrie.com to keep track of my progress through my blog which I plan to update weekly with the help of Chris, my loving husband and supporter in this endeavor.  You can also donate online through this link or simply click the team in training logo on the right hand side.  Of course, I also would greatly appreciate your prayer and encouragement as I take on this new adventure.

With my sincere thanks,

Ann Guthrie