Ann Guthrie

I know that I have a screw loose in my head.  I didn’t always know, but now I do.  I don’t always understand relationships and social norms.  I used to watch movies as a child and not understand the broken relationships I saw.  Two people who both cared about each other would not speak because… why? They hadn’t spoken in a long time.  They had broken up.  They had fought.  Whatever.  It didn’t matter.  What mattered is that they both wanted the relationship, but for whatever reason they would not (or could not) pursue it.

This has not ceased to be a source of frustration and confusion for me.   Why don’t they just talk to one another? Why doesn’t one of them just swallow their pride?  Why can’t they be friends/lovers/family?  I don’t think I’ve ever fully understood… until today.

As a child, I grew up with a large, extended family.  Tons of cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents who were always at every holiday or special event.  I have so many fond memories of times spent with my cousins.  I was especially close to my cousin with the same first name who is a mere 3 months younger than me.

I cry as I write, because my family is broken now and only a shadow of what it once was.  No more large family functions, but instead small, intimate get-togethers with grandparents who struggle to hide the pain behind their eyes as they remember what used to be.

How did this happen? From my child’s perspective it was incomprehensible and now, unfortunately, I still can’t understand it fully.  When the division first formed, I was angry and sad.  Why couldn’t I talk to or see my cousins anymore? As the years passed, the sadness and anger left me and I was only indignant for my dad and grandparent’s sake.  My dad because he had lost his brother and sisters and my grandparent’s because they had lost all but one of their children…

Now, I am not even indignant anymore.  All that’s left is a feeling of hopelessness.

Through facebook and myspace (and mutual friends), I stumbled across my cousin with the same name a few years ago.  We messaged a few times and even went to coffee.  It was good. It was not enough.  It didn’t repair what was broken.

And now, here I am, and I don’t know what to do.  I’ve never been in a situation like this where I couldn’t speak openly with the person, or persons, and fix what was broken about the relationship.  Now, I get it.  Words are not always enough.  Sometimes even good intentions and a desire from both or all individuals is not enough.

We are so fallible as humans and we can screw things up so badly that there is no possible way that we can fix what we have broken. Only God can.  Only God can mend impossibly broken relationships.  Only God can heal entire families.  I want reconciliation so badly, but it can’t happen without God.  I can’t fix anything on my own.  Only God can.